This beautiful church above is the church that my husband and I were married in over 18 years ago. His brother was married there two years before we were and his parents were married in the same church decades earlier. You can imagine how meaningful this church is to us and the heartache we must have felt a few weeks ago when developers came and tore down this beautiful, historical place of worship and began building condominiums instead. As devastated as we are about this personal injustice, I was reminded how much damage we can do to the church ourselves with just the words we speak. Raise your hand if you have been hurt by someone in the church. Raise your hand if you told a small number of other people how you have been hurt by the church. Raise your hand if you told anyone who would listen about your frustrations with the church.
I am right there with you. I have been hurt by people in the church and I have shared my frustrations with people. A lot of people. This was back when I was a younger Christian and I had no idea how much damage I was causing the church. It took me many years to understand how powerful my words are when it comes to tearing down the church body or raising it up. We could always build another physical church with bricks, but to undo the damage to the church caused by careless words is almost impossible.
When my husband and I were attending our first church as a married couple, we made so many friendships and were deeply connected to the church body. Then the lead pastor left and we became sheep without a shepherd. It didn’t take long for the church members to start getting frustrated, quarreling with one another, and seeking their own interests instead of the interests of the church as a whole. What a sorry bunch we were. Nobody was acting like Jesus much less leading others to Jesus during that time. Instead of sticking it out and helping the church get back on track, we left. We easily abandoned our church with the mentality that we would just go find another one. Oh, how ignorant we were. Whenever we would visit another church and they would ask us where we had been attending, we would freely share our story and our frustrations with the church we had left.
Soon that church got a bad reputation and people were leaving in droves. Instead of bringing people into the body of Christ, we were pushing people away. Not because our former church was teaching false doctrine or was guilty of some gross misconduct, but because we didn’t have a pastor, people were focused on themselves, and we were impatient people. We foolishly and arrogantly thought we could just plug in somewhere else and get just as connected as we were at our former church. If that’s you, just hear me out.
We church hopped… and hopped… and hopped. I think the longest we ever stayed in a church was two years. We were church consumers… always in it for what we could get out of it. Was it “right” for us? Did they have the best music, the best kids’ programs, the best coffee? Ya’ll… that is not what church is about. Notice I didn’t say anything about the church being Scripturally sound not did I identify ways that I could plug in and serve others at church… Nope.. we were in it for us, like the church owed us something. Enjoying a church where your kids have state-of-the-art technology (I’ve been to a church with a full-size carousel in the children’s wing) , that has good music, and serves good coffee is not a bad thing, but it is not what church is about. This type of mentality is “us driven”. Remember, the church is God’s house, a house of worship. It’s not about what we get out of it, it is what we give to Him: worship. It’s not us centered; it is Him centered. When we are “us” centered, we will always end up disappointed because no church is ever perfect and neither are the people in it. At some point, not every single part of the church is going to be lovely. It gets messy and hard because it is filled with broken people. So what do you do when the church doesn’t meet your expectations and gets difficult?
Leave? We did. Church after church after church. We learned lots of lessons on the way. It took us at least 10 years to get deeply connected again at a church and we were so happy to finally have found a church home. Then the lead pastor left.. Would we leave this time? Nope. We were in it for the long haul. We did not want to go through another 10 year journey to find a church ever again. While our church was looking for a new lead pastor, I read the Bible study, “We Over Me” by Whitney Capps. I think it should be required reading for every church member,
As the title suggests, this study encourages Christians to stop buying into the consumer mindset in churches. To put “we”, the mission of the church, over “me.” The church’s mission is to lead people to Christ. When we make it about music or amenities that a church does or does not have, we are missing the point. The church is made up of sinful, broken people, so being hurt by someone in the church is inevitable. And it’s okay to want to talk about that with someone. Just not everyone. An accountability partner or a spiritually mature Christian friend who can pray for you. Not the entire women’s group or the baseball moms or the book club friends, Because here is what happens. When you complain about someone in the church, someone on staff, or you complain about something in the church (programs or lack thereof) you are tearing down the whole church. Even when you are just complaining about part of it. We are all part of the same body of Christ. so when you speak ill of one part of the church, the entire church of Christ suffers. When you tear down the whole church, you push people away from Jesus, not draw them closer. Who wants to go to church or become a Christian when you seem to hate it so much? Instead of speaking about how much you dislike someone or something about the church, ask how you can help the church be the best it can be and then act on that. Resolve conflict in the church privately and biblically, not out of your emotions. Your words have the power to tear down the body of Christ or build it up. Use your words to further the kingdom, not destroy it. Love you, my kingdom builders!
<3 Heather
