Words almost destroyed my marriage several years ago. Thankfully, God transformed both my husband and me, so that did not happen.
You see, words have power. Just think about it, how did God create the world? By His Words. With our words, we can tear down our homes, our friendships, our jobs; or we can build them up. With our words, we bless or we curse.
I was using all the wrong words. I wasn’t doing a whole lot of blessing, but I was doing a lot of cursing and complaining. And I wasn’t doing it intentionally. I didn’t have the awareness of what I was doing. It was only years later as I looked back over my prayer journals and I saw a girl who was focused on the faults of her husband and not really reflecting on her own need for refining.
Part of the issue was that I had not grown up in a household where I saw a healthy marriage. In fact, I really didn’t see any type of healthy relationship between family members. I only saw and heard things that would cause hurt. If that is you, I get it. I was there. But you can’t stay in that place. Your marriage won’t make it if you do.
Also, I was pretty prideful. I had more biblical knowledge at that time than my husband. I had tons of head knowledge and not enough heart-felt application. I knew “it”, but I didn’t do “it”. So I justified my frustrations with a case of the “if onlys”. You know,
“If only my husband would pray more, things would be better.” “If only my husband would read his Bible more, I would submit more easily.” “If only my husband would lead our family like God says then I wouldn’t be so frustrated.”
You see? Wrong words. Even if those things were true, my heart was in the wrong place. I was focusing on the wrong thing.
“If only my husband…..”. Do you ever have “if only’s”?.
I had to put them down. It was so hard, but for the sake of my marriage, I had to put them down. And I had to start submitting in the way that God intended for wives to submit.
The only condition under which wives are not called to submit is when their husband is asking them to do something against God’s Word. PERIOD. At all other times, we are to submit.
And sometimes that isn’t easy.
My wise friend who has been married for over three decades said to me one time, “When you don’t submit to your husband, it’s not him you don’t trust. It’s God.” OUCH. Hard to hear, but so true.
What does having a case of the “if only’s”, wishing things were different, have to do with our words?
Well, if we are being prideful and thinking that our husband is the problem, the only problem, is that reflected in our speech?
Do you nag your husband to go to church, or read his Bible, or pray, or tithe? I used to. And, sis, let me tell you, it did absolutely nothing in terms of my husband growing close to the Lord nor did it help my marriage. It only made everything worse.
In fact, the Bible says this about a nagging wife.
Proverbs 21:19 Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife. On the other hand, God also talks about what to do if you have a husband that does not make his faith a priority.
That they may be won over WITHOUT A WORD. That means put a lock on it. I can’t tell you how hard that was for me. I was destroying my marriage with my nagging and complaining. I was using all the wrong words. I wanted my husband to grow in spiritual maturity, which is good, but I was going about the wrong way.
Words can give life or they can destroy life.
My words were destroying. I was breaking my husband down just by my words. I was crushing his spirit.
People tend to live up to the expectations placed on them, so if you expect your husband to be a total failure… guess what? That is what he will be.
You want your husband to be a man of God who leads his family well? Start speaking life-giving words over him.
Start using the right words instead of the wrong ones. Look for every opportunity to praise him, rebuild the confidence that has been destroyed. Look for every opportunity to submit and praise him for his wise decision making. Stop pointing out his flaws and instead notice the good things he does. Then pray for him. It is not your job to save your husband. Only Jesus can do that. You can make the path a lot easier by being a godly, kind, loving, submissive wife.
I’m not saying these things to judge or condemn. I have been right there with you. Whenever I would nag my husband about growing in his faith or leading our home, our relationship suffered. Every. Single. Time. When I would just be quiet and be kind and pray, he would grow in his faith as God worked on his heart. He would send me a Scripture that was on his heart, he would tithe without being asked, he would share what he was learning in his Bible study.
It probably would not have happened if I had continued speaking terrible things to him… Or about him. Which brings me to my next point. Please do not tear down your husband to other people, or for goodness sake, please don’t post how bad your husband is on social media. I didn’t necessarily talk bad about my husband to others or post about him on social media, but I know wives who have done that to their husbands, and it just doesn’t end well.
I know these women want to feel heard; they are hurting and they have nowhere to turn. That is such a hard place to be. However, it is better for them to seek counseling or seek out a safe Christian woman who can pray with them. There is a better chance of saving the marriage that way. Because let’s be honest, deep down, we love our husbands. Sometimes we do stupid things out of the hurt in our hearts and it always makes things more difficult. I don’t want that for you and neither does God. If you are in a place where your marriage is suffering, maybe you feel like it is hopeless, don’t give up hope!
Remember, sis, our words have power! We don’t have to feel helpless and angry in our marriage. We have the power to initiate positive change. And it all starts with using the right words. And you can put it to practice today. Pray that God will transform your heart so you can:
Build your husband up with your words. Speak life over him, not curses. Look for ways to praise him. Look for ways to submit to him. Pray for him.
Watch his heart soften. Watch God work. My husband and I will be celebrating 18 years of marriage this year. God restored our marriage and this is the best year yet. Because I finally learned the power of my words. God did it for me and He can do it for you.
